Wednesday, June 06, 2007

On the lighter side

This might be a good time to lighten up things on this site. The following are tidbits of humor. They are excerpts from “Catholic humor” and “Kids and Church”. Both of these sources of fun were emailed to me by my Mom a while ago. Thanks, Mom!
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

PEW: A medieval torture device still found inCatholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at thebeginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, thecelebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at theconclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying tobeat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


At 9:53 AM, Anonymous Kat said...


PERFECT way to lighten the mood. Thanks to FG's Mom.

At 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Several years ago, when I was pregnant, I overheard my daughter and neice discussing just how that baby got in my belly. I probably should have offered some answer, but the conversation was too funny to interrupt. It began with, of course, that God put the baby there- but "how" prevailed. My daughter, the elder (and self-proclaimed wiser) had the answer. God made that baby the size of a seed. One night, He must have put the "baby seed" in my mouth , I swallowed him and then must have drank water which made the baby grow. It worked for me!

At 10:59 AM, Blogger fran said...

For more laughs, check out the school kids at St. A's today - it's "crazy hat and sock day!"

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Kat said...

Fr. Greg;

I found the book you lent me, it must have migrated from the pile of 'to read'. I will get it back to you as soon as I have a moment to get over to the rectory I don't want it to get lost again with the move going on.

At 12:07 PM, Anonymous HSPrincess said...

Thanx for the laugh, Fr.Greg/Fr.Greg's mom!

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

I teach six year olds. Here children start school at five, so by the time they are six they are confident at school. And they are very very funny a lot of the time. Six year old humour makes my day nearly every day! (That plus the joy of seeing them learn so fast.)

At 5:12 PM, Anonymous Kat said...

Ok, I heard this one from a priest years ago, so hopefully I won't get in trouble for this:

A priest was visiting the house of a parishioner who had a small child named Susie. Now Susie was about 4 years old and kept staring at the priest, Susie’s mother had gone off to do something quickly and the good Fr. Couldn’t help but ask: “Susie, you keep looking at me do I have something on my face??”

“No” came the reply

“Well, what is it that you are staring at so intently?”

Susie pointed to his collar, so the good natured priest took off the collar and handed it to her, now there was some writing on the inside which were basically cleaning instructions. Susie was looking at the collar in her hands and the priest asked her what she thought the writing on the inside said. Susie looked up at the good Fr. and said very calmly “kills fleas for up to two months, that’s what it says on our dog’s collar and it kinda looks like it ‘cept his is all white”.

At 9:27 AM, Anonymous Kelly said...

Okay, let me throw in my 2 cents. There were four people traveling in a helicopter equipped with only 3 parachutes. It was malfunctioning and they quickly had to decide who would get a parachute.

The first man who spoke was a world renowned heart surgeon. He said, "Let me take one, if I live, I will save thousands of lives." Off he went.

The second man, a cutting edge cancer researcher, said, "I am one of smartest men on earth, let me take the parachute." So the really smart man escaped.

The two left were a ten year old boy and the Pope. The pope said,
"Son, I have lived a long life and you are a young boy. Take the last parachute."

The boy responded, "No that's not necessary. We have 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the world took my backpack by mistake."

At 11:30 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Grant, O Lord, that none

may love Thee less this day

because of me.

That never a word or act of mine

may turn one soul from Thee;

and, ever daring, yet one more

grace I would implore,

that many souls this day,

because of me,

may love Thee more.


At 8:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's another-

In Sunday School,they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings. One boy was really attentive when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later, his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,and said, "Honey what is the matter?" the boy responded,"I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

At 8:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

From the same site, a few bulletin bloopers-

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

At 8:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I actually use that bulletin receipt idea when I send my teenagers to Mass without me.

At 5:47 AM, Blogger Kiwi Nomad 2006 said...

This is quite long but tells you instantly which country I hail from ;-)
The Golden Phone
An Australian decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about Australian churches.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Perth, thinking that he would work his way across the country from West to East.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that "$10,000 per call".

The Australian, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The Australian thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Adelaide. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Perth and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"O.K., thank you," said the Australian. He then travelled to Melbourne, Canberra, Sydney and Brisbane. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The Australian, upon leaving Brisbane saw a sign for New Zealand and decided to see if Kiwis had the same phone. He arrived in Auckland, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call."

The Australian was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
"Father, I've traveled all over Australia and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in New Zealand now, son; it's a local call".


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